Being offended by a Findagrave memorial

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Luanne Kenney Shaw on October 14, 2009 at 5:16pm

I have received emails from people who were offended or upset about a memorial I had added. Many people don't understand why I would add their family members name without knowing them.

I tend to take other photos when I go to do a photo request, I actually get an "urge" to take pictures of certain stones and I add a memorial for them. Another thing I do when filling a photo request is I take pictures of anyone else with the same last name, or buried in the same plot, many people have thanked me for finding other relatives that they didn't know where they were buried. I have found so many family members that I didn't know where they were buried until someone had added them.

I am always hoping for a family member to contact me to transfer it to them as I really want a family member or friend to maintain the memorial. I use to get upset with the upset people that would contact me, but I have so many more "Thank yous" from people that the rest don't bother me anymore.

I just love the peacefulness of wandering around a cemetery :)

Permalink Reply by Foxie on October 20, 2009 at 4:34pm

Well, I see I might be in the minority here. Because I think and this happened to me and I am a find a grave member and I respect everything that everyone has done but when your father has been dead less than a few weeks you take a tombstone photo of his grave site and a put it on your own web page then, somebody emails me that it is one Find a Grave with a memorial to my father. It at the time didn't set to well with me. My reason being--- I was Raw with grief over losing my father and I felt that if someone should do this I should be given the opportunity to this first instead of someone just a few days later doing it for me. It hit me all wrong. But I did not make them take it down or anything. But I cried for weeks over it. It upset me so much. I'm over that part now but I just think people no matter what you are doing you should first take into consideration of how it might affect others before you do what you do. I loved my dad so much and then a few months later my mother passes away and low and behold the same thing happens yet again. I said nothing. I'm saying this now because it has been brought forward and not one of you are thinking of some one who is grieving for that loved one. You are thinking about how you feel and not the other person. I'm not like that. I don't post a lot to Find a grave for one special reason other people are out there doing it for me. but I am a member and I do think it is being done in a responsible manner but I think people should wait and if someone says they don't want a memorial on find a grave for their loved one. then that should be respected too. I have web sites and when people donate to my sites and then later change their minds and want it taken down. I do not hesitate one bit out of respect for them in taking it down. and this should be followed no matter what is happening.
Thanks for reading and Hope I do not stir up a hornets nest here. but this is debatable on both sides.
thanks Foxie Hagerty

Permalink Reply by Lori Shoemaker Hellmund on October 20, 2009 at 6:01pm

Foxie, I can understand what you are saying. I think they are people who sit with the obituary page of their newspapers every day adding each death that is printed. Most people will glady transfer ownership of the memorial if they know that it is a family member. Have you requested that from the people that posted the memorial? If they refuse and you are still upset, you can try sending a request to the people in charge of Findagrave.com. They said they take these on a case by case basis.

I have had a couple of people request transfer of ownership of memorials that I have created and I have refused because they are my family members. I also had someone ask me to add the names of my aunt's children to the memorial that I had established, but I refused to do so to protect their identities.

It really is something to be taken on a case by case basis. I am very sorry that you were upset. I hope that the person who posted the memorial will transfer it to you.

Permalink Reply by Jeanie DiLeonardo on October 20, 2009 at 8:45pm

I sympathize with your situation, Foxie. I'm sure that if I just (within the last 6 months to a year, I think) lost a close loved one, I wouldn't want to have that happen, either. At least not unless it was posted by someone with a closer kinship than me. I posted here that my eldest aunt died less than a week after the fact, but didn't add much other than her name and her daughters' first names.

However, I'm thrilled that someone chooses to put up a page for one of my ancestors or their kin that died over a hundred years ago (or even 20 or so) in a place I've never been and probably won't ever make it to.

I would hope that those people who go to cemeteries and take pictures or information about people they don't know, to post on the web, would honor & respect the families by waiting until an appropriate period of mourning has passed.

Permalink Reply by Kaye Mushalik on October 22, 2009 at 9:32pm

Foxie, Thank you for giving us an insight to the other side of the story. I agree we need to be more respectful of the families, whether the passing is recent or long ago. I will continue to add memorials for people who's headstone/markers I take pictures of who have been gone for awhile. However, I will be sure to check death dates more closely. And, of course, I will be more than willing to transfer a memorial to a family member under the right circumstances. Again, thanks for making me think things through.
Kaye

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